Let's be clear: there's nothing inherently wrong with a little indulgence. A splash of champagne, a cashmere throw, a weekend in St. Barts—these things are lovely. But there's a point where indulgence curdles into something else entirely. A kind of performative wealth that screams, "Look at me, I'm so disconnected from reality, I might as well be living on Mars."
Enter Kylie Jenner and her particular brand of billionaire banality. It's not just the private jets and the Birkin bags, though there are plenty of those. It's the way she presents it all. Like a teenager playing dress-up in her mother's closet, except the closet is the size of a small country and the clothes are dripping in diamonds.
So, for those aspiring to such dizzying heights of bland opulence, I present to you: 10 Ways to Mimic a Billionaire's Banality, Kylie Jenner style.
1. Embrace Beige. All Shades of Beige.
Beige is the unofficial color of conspicuous consumption. It whispers, "I can afford to keep this pristine." Never mind that it's also the color of oatmeal and boredom. Fill your mansion with beige furniture, beige walls, beige cars. Bonus points for a beige pet llama. You know, for Instagram.
2. Your Closet Should Resemble a High-End Department Store
We're talking walk-in closets the size of studio apartments, overflowing with designer clothes, organized by color, brand, and astrological sign. Never wear the same thing twice, unless it's been photographed for your personal stylist's website. And even then, consider it a sacrifice.
3. Travel by Private Jet, Even for a Trip to Starbucks
Commercial flights are for the poors. You, my friend, are above such things. Carbon footprint? Please. Your time is far too valuable to be wasted on airport security lines and screaming babies. Besides, the filtered light is just so much better at 40,000 feet.
4. Document Your Life in Carefully Curated Instagram Posts
Every moment is a photo opportunity, a chance to showcase your fabulous life. Never mind that real life is messy and complicated. Your followers need to see you lounging by the pool in a designer bikini, sipping on a green juice that probably cost more than their rent.
5. Speak in a Language Only Understood by Other Billionaires
"Private equity," "venture capitalist," "yacht week" – these are the words that pepper your vocabulary. You wouldn't be caught dead using slang or, God forbid, a word with less than three syllables. Unless, of course, it's "Gucci." Gucci is always acceptable.
6. Develop a Passion for Things You Don't Understand
Wine? You don't just drink it, you "experience" it, swirling it around in a glass the size of your head and pontificating on its "notes of oak and despair." Art? You're a collector, darling, even if your knowledge extends only to knowing that a banana duct-taped to a wall is worth more than your house.
7. Philanthropy is Your Middle Name (as Long as There are Cameras Present)
Nothing says "I'm a good person" like a carefully staged photo op at a homeless shelter. Make sure your hair looks perfect and your designer outfit is appropriately somber. And don't forget to post about it on Instagram with a heartfelt caption about giving back. The more hashtags, the better.
8. Your Children Are Accessories, Not People
Dress them in designer clothes, give them names that sound like luxury cars, and parade them around like the status symbols they are. Their emotional needs are secondary to their ability to enhance your carefully crafted image of perfect billionaire parenthood.
9. Surround Yourself with People Who Tell You What You Want to Hear
Dissent is for peasants. You need people who will agree with your every word, no matter how ridiculous. Yes men (and women) are essential to maintaining the illusion that you are always right, always fabulous, and always better than everyone else.
10. Never, Ever Admit That You Might Be Unhappy
Because what do you have to be unhappy about? You're a billionaire! You have everything you could ever want! Right? Right?
Of course, the truth is that true happiness can't be bought, no matter how many Birkin bags you own. It comes from genuine connection, meaningful work, and a sense of purpose beyond your latest Instagram post. But those are things money can't buy. And in the world of Kylie Jenner and her ilk, they're simply not on the menu.
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